I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
