I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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