I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
