God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
