Already got asked if we're dating
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
