This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
