last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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