Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
