It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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