Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
