how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
