i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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