so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
