just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
