you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
