I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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