Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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