I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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