We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
