My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
