I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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