I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
