he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
