i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
