From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
