I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
