Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
