It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
