she woke up with a sticky ear
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
