remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunk is not a location!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
