Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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