seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
