i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And then he peed in my hair
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