On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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