Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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