It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
