Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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