I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
