I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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