genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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