i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
