I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
