i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
