When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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