I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
