If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
