Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
