True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
