Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
