So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
