Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
