I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize